This morning for the first time I woke up tired. So tired in fact that I fell straight back to sleep. As I type this I’m drinking my second cup of super strength Cambodian coffee and still not feeling the effects – it’s going to be a long day!
My sleep pattern settling isn’t the only way I can feel myself ‘becoming Cambodian’ though. Already, my walking has been reduced to a snail’s pace to cope with the incessant heat; I’m nonchalantly crossing a road as 5 or 6 motorbikes hurtle towards me; I occasionally attempt to say hello and thank you in Khmer (but only very quietly when I think no one I know is listening) and this morning I actually considered rice porridge for breakfast – this consideration was, however, short lived as it was quickly overtaken by a memory of violently throwing up in China on the one trip when I ate rice porridge for breakfast).
So physically, I’m here. And mentally…..
Well I guess that’s a tale of two halves …. or maybe four quarters….. or even sixteen sixteenths.
The truth is, I’m all over the place.
I’m really happy to be here and am loving settling in, but it’s hard. It’s hard to keep meeting new people; trying to remember names; always smiling; pretending to understand; trying to do the right thing when you’re not sure what the right thing is.
My chimp, Norman, (read The Chimp Paradox if you don’t know what I’m talking about) is determined to undermine my confidence at work. When I get here in the morning I can hear him chattering away, trying to get into my head with his ‘you’re doing it wrong’; ‘everyone is laughing at you’; ‘you’re not good enough’; ‘they know you’re a fraud’.
But F*ck it!, I will not let him win. I am good enough! My CV shows it, my work to date shows it, people who know me tell me it and most importantly deep down I DO KNOW IT!
I can do this. It won’t be easy. At times I’ll want to give up, but they’re the times when I’ll turn to all those things that I know will help me: the meditation; the qi gong; music; my family and friends; saying f*ck it; this blog. And I’ll get there. I’m already becoming Cambodian and step by step I’ll become a Cambodian Fisheries Administration L&D Expert too.