Having discovered a streaming service to watch Wimbledon live and managing to Facetime/Skype a lot of very special people in my life, I headed to the bathroom for my pre-bedtime ablutions and EEK!
I turned on the light and there he was – Colin’s bigger, uglier, blacker brother, scuttling at the speed of light across the bathroom floor.
Heart in mouth, I grabbed my Fitflop and banged furiously on the bathroom door to bring him out of his corner and back into the centre of the room in order for me to bludgeon him to death. But he was having none of it. He scuttled at breakneck speed from corner to corner, resting only as long as it took me to pluck up courage to lean into the bathroom to bang on whatever was nearest to where he cowered, determined to bring about his untimely demise.
After 10 minutes of this unsatisfactory game of cat and mouse I decided to try a different tack. I reached for the deodorant! Yes, you read that right, in the absence of toxic insect killers I chose to attack my opponent with Right Guard 24HR anti perspirant.
And so the game began again. I sprayed, he scuttled; I sprayed, he scuttled and on and on we went. Whilst I could see that he was not appreciating the deodorant bombing he was getting it still wasn’t slowing him down enough for me to administer the implement of doom onto his shiny black shell.
So I decided to go for the big guns – I hit him with a huge blast of 50% Deet. This definitely did something, he visibly stumbled and as he did I allowed myself the fantasy that whilst he stumbled he was also screaming as he gasped for air. My joyful fantasy was short lived as off he dashed again, ducking in behind the sink pedestal and staying there. No amount of banging could shift him and so I admitted defeat and headed to bed.
But this was not the end. Oh no, this was just the beginning!
I lay on my bed, paralysed with fear – every noise a cockroach approaching, every breeze from the fan a cockroach scrabbling across my arm or ear. I was trapped in cockroach hell. I turned to my trusty meditation app for support, but it failed miserably as I lay eyes tightly closed, tears streaming down my face as the whole Cambodian cockroach clan attacked me, marching in from every corner and raining down from the roof.
It was no good – sleep was not going to happen. So on went the music and out came my book but I couldn’t concentrate. I saw movement from every direction, black stealth like movement as the army advanced.
And if this was not bad enough, my mad bad head took me to the future. A future where the apartment that I had found earlier that day also contained a cockroach army, all intent on slowly torturing me to death to be carried away by the ants.
After approximately 1 ½ hours of this self-torture I finally sent out the SOS. A tentative What’s App ‘Are you around?’ was greeted with a prompt ‘Yes’, as was my plea of ‘Can I FaceTime you?’ and that was that.
Before you could say “cockroach”, I was full on blubbing to my best buddy and newly christened modern day Saint – Vicky Jones.
Despite my appeals, she politely refused to accept my protestations that I was being ridiculous and over-reacting and instead empathised and, more importantly, then got practical.
The great God Google was consulted and a whole host of cockroach deterrents and killers discovered.
I will now be heading off to the various supermarkets and other emporia in search of the following:
- Bay leaves (dried are ok). In case you are wondering, cockroaches hate them so you put them in cupboards and on shelves.
- Cypress and Tea Tree Essential Oil. This, along with mint oil which I already have can be diluted in water and liberally sprayed around rooms as cockroaches hate this too (as do spiders and mice apparently).
- Cotton balls. The above oils can be used to soak the balls which can then be placed where you think the cockroaches are coming from
- The end of the cucumber should be placed in the corner and left to shrivel to deter the roaches.
- Beer and vegetable oil. A bit like slug traps, place some of the beer and oil in an old bottle. The roaches are attracted by the beer, climb into the bottle and then can’t get out. Not sure I’ll be trying this one TBH!
- White distilled vinegar. According to Saint Vicky of Horwich&Urmston every good household should own this cleaning basic and according to Google I should dilute it and mop my floors daily with it.
We chatted for a while about what is really going on to cause this ridiculously over the top reaction to a manky little cockroach and then I decided I had calmed down enough and needed to try to go to sleep (it was gone midnight and my Ministry meeting the following morning was looming large).
Thankfully, St Vicky new better. “Do you just want to check the situation in the bathroom while I’m still here?” she urged.
And, so I did. I stepped with trepidation around the corner to be greeted by the devil roach. Having managed to straddle the bathroom step he lay flailing helplessly on his back – two of his legs detatched from his body and lying next to him.
I may have screeched, but I also sprung into action. After flipping the camera so that St. Vicky could witness the event, I crouched down low, raised my Fitflop high and brought it crashing down on his head and partly dismembered body. Not content with this action, I then squidged around with the shoe to ensure the deed was well and truly done.
A celebratory yay!, a quick snap for posterity and then what? With St.Vicky watching on, I scooped his various body parts up onto a piece of paper and dropped him unceremoniously down the loo, taking another picture before pressing the flush joyously.
To allay my fears that he would reincarnate and come up to get me when I next went to the loo, Vicky suggested I check, flush, check before sitting down to the job in hand – advice I think I may carry with me hereon wherever I may be!
We did a shared scan of the bathroom for any friends and family who may be lurking, waiting to get me and satisfied that I was alone at last I bid St.Vic goodnight.
I lost a huge amount of Buddha bonus points last night but I did manage to sleep from 2am til 5.30, thankfully without experiencing any revenge of the cockroach nightmares and awoke to a new day, full of possibilities and a room without roaches once more.