Batsh*t Crazy

I am currently engaged in a war!

Those of you who follow me on Facebook will recall that a few weeks ago I returned from a few days away to discover that I had acquired a lodger in my outdoor lounge.

My ‘lodger’ announced his presence when I switched on the light.  As the switch clicked I heard a loud bang behind me, avoided the urge to scream and instead pun around to discover a peach stone lying on my glass top table.  It appeared to have fallen from above and in doing so had scattered a number of chocolate brown coloured pellets that were also lying on the table.  A glance upward and the source of the noise and detritus was discovered – a big old fruit bat hanging menacingly from the ceiling.

Figuratively shitting myself I quickly opened the door and ran in to escape – banging said door loudly behind me in the hope that Bert the bat would be as scared by this as I was of him and do a disappearing act.

To further hasten his departure I threw caution to the wind, dismissing my usual frugality in relation to electric consumption and instead switching on every light inside and outside my apartment.  A comprehensive assualt on his senses was to be my line of attack and so I did a bit more banging and clattering before settling on my bed.


Having lain on my bed staring anxiously at the window beyond which Bert hung for what seemed like a lifetime I pulled up my big girl pants and went to take a look if my strategy had worked.

Tentatively peering around the door frame my hopes were quickly dashed as Bert continued to hang exactly where I’d left him.  Stubborn bugger! Even the flash on my phone as I gained photographic evidence of the invasion failed to shift him from his post.

Defeated I headed to bed, but not before I’d googled ‘how to get rid of bats in your house’ and discovering that a number of the home remedies I’ve amassed for cockroach elimination would also prove successful with bats.

I woke a couple of times during the night convinced that Bert’s family had somehow got into the apartment and were watching me but next morning I went outside to discover that thankfully Bert had departed.   However, this was not before shitting copiously all over my table, chair and the floor.  Apparently bat shit is called Guano and is a very good, highly prized fertiliser that is also toxic and stinks – Google again – but I decided against chucking it on my landlady’s much prized plant collection, instead sweeping it up and into the bin.

My next weapon in operation Bert the bat elimination was mintifying the area.  I already had a spray bottled filled with a mint oil and water concoction (Cockroach deterrent) and so I went about copiously blasting the walls and ceiling around Bert’s resting place with this.

I returned  home that evening to a partial success – no Bert, but plenty of guano to the side of the table – Bert was playing hardball!

I extended the range and ferocity of my spraying over the next couple of days and gradually the appearance of fresh guano diminished and I relaxed, confident that I had won my battle.

Returning from Kampot last week I discovered what looked like a scattering of soil on my dining table and in various areas on the floor.

Initially dismissing this out of hand, after all it’s been extremely windy for the last couple of weeks so why would dust and dirt be blowing in, I was sitting watching tv later that day when  I glanced something black coming towards me out of the corner of my eye and next thing I know there was a whoosh as Bert flew past my ear, swooping round to exit from whence he came at the front of the terrace.

Yep, I figuratively and almost literally sh*t myself again at this point.

Regaining my composure, I decided to study more closely the ‘dirt’ that had appeared and yes you guessed it it was in fact guano.  Not the big pellets of Bert’s first invasion but definitely guano – the black seeds are the giveaway.


I sprayed any surface I could with the mint concoction even adding in some teatree oil for good measure and getting a stingy burning arm for my troubles.  But sure enough when I ventured out the following day more guano had appeared along with some odd red and black berry like things (If anyone knows what they are, please feel free to enlighten me).


And so here’s where we’re currently at.  Every evening as the sun goes down, Bert and his pals make an almighty racket as they come out of hiding and swoop around the rooftops of the lane.  I sit watching tv or reading my book with one eye on lookout duty and my right ear tuned in to the location of their screeching.  At some undefined point Bert appears, on Saturday it was during a Skype chat with mum, last night I was mid Real Housewives brain drain when he flashed before my eyes, swoops around and exits to one side.  I have become a mint nazi – spraying like a lunatic, desperately trying to hit the high ceiling by clambering on bins, chairs and anything else I can find.

The guano and berry appearances are getting less by the day but do not fear, I will not let up in my campaign.  Victory will be mine, even if it means moving to phase two of the bat elimination strategy as defined by Google – the hanging of shiny sparkly Christmas decorations to reflect light and scare Bert away.


Just need to work out where to buy this tat here in PP


So , stay tuned and watch this minty and potentially tacky, sparkly space – I would hate you to miss the *VB Day celebrations ehn they finally arrive!

*VB – Victory over Bats Day.  An event to be held annually to mark the day that the heroic Sara Perry single handedly overcame the invasion by Bert the bat.

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